FUNNY QUOTES FROM HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE BOOK SERIES last updated 21 September 94 _________________________________________________________________ "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "Go ask a glass of water." `Are you Zaphod Beeblebrox?' `Keep it quiet or they'll all want one.' `THE Zaphod Beeblebrox?' `No, just a Zaphod Beeblebrox, didn't you hear we come in six-packs.' "Anything that happens, happens." "Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen." "Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again." "It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though." "There's nothing wrong with my sense of reality. I have it serviced every fortnight." "The only way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your fingers down his throat" "The large yellow ships hung in the sky in exactly the same way that bricks don't" "The effect of which is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon...wrapped round a large gold brick." Zaphod : I have had it up to here with being cool! I am so cool, you could keep a side of beef in me for a week! I am so hip, I have trouble seeing over my pelvis! "For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across--which happened to be the Earth--where due to a terribble miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidently swallowed by a small dog" "Life was held in contempt of court for being neither beautiful nor true, and was promptly confiscated from everyone present." "That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting" "Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so." A: It's times like these I wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young. F: Why? What did she tell you? A: I don't know, I didn't listen. God's last message to His creatures: "Sorry for the inconvenience" "Life," he said, "is like a grapefruit." "Er, how so?" "Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast." "The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move" "He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it." "Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem 'Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one midsummer morning' four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging, and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived only by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been 'disappointed' by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve book epic 'My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles' when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilisation, leapt straight up through his throat and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England in the destruction of the planet Earth." `The Guide says that there is an art to flying,' said Ford, `or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.' Go stick your head in a pig. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened. _________________________________________________________________ [LINK] BACK TO THE HHGTTG HOME PAGE.